I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
