meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
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