I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
