apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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