If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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