I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
