I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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