Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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