does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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