i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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