He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
