so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So much rum. So many feels.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize