is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
