I just cut my nipple shaving
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
