mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
