the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
