I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
