I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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