Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
