I just made out with a guy for $7.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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