Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize