Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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