none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
