Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
