i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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