im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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