Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
