3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
