were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Please don't give away my fajitas
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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