Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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