I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
what day is it and did you see me today?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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