I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It was confusing and full of hummus
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
