Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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