You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize