I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
