I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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