there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
