she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
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