there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
