If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
