i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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