id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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