Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
