Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
