I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Green mimosas i think yes
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
