I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
