A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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