Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
