Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
