I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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