I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
