lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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