I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
